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Waxing poetic on URI’s retirement proposal

December 14, 2011

Update: Brian C. Jones, a freelance writer and former Providence Journal reporter, shared this witicism about a proposed retirement incentive for veteran University of Rhode Island professors and professional staff. Jones says he was inspired by a recent trip to The Gamm Theater to see Hamlet.

Professor Hamlet’s URI Lament

To be, or not to be?
That is the question now confronting our
Struggling state university.

Whether ‘tis nobler to cast aside
Those URI faculty members, oh so old,
And instead, hire younger ones to teach
At faraway Kingston, and do so on the cheap.

Truly, there is something rotten,
Not just in Shakespeare’s storied Denmark
But now so too in modern Rhode Islan’
Where getting on in years is no easy lark.

Worse still, we in ProJo have sadly read,
Of once-noble Ram’s unseemly plot to get ahead,
By favoring academics who shun the liberal arts,
Those dead-end classes oft taught by impractical old farts.

Instead, it’s those who worship science & business
That threadbare URI in the future must address,
To be instruct’yd by dewy, newborn professors
Brought in as our out-of-date faculty’s successors.

So, dear friends, to the laboratory we must hasten,
And with this message the ancient ones we hereby chasten:
Retire early and often, ye costly poets, philosophers and sages,
President Dooley favors those of fresher, lesser ages.

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